Numb Inducing


Numb Inducing

Numb inducing expectations
accumulate like broken glass
on a marble tile floor.

Cut nerves of your skin
self-repair like lines of ants
following in an unnatural path.

I shrink to their level —
work in the mulch, in the compost.

Sadly my eyes drop; you fill me
with little shots of pain as
I carry ten times more than you need.

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Hear this on chirbit

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Written and posted on:

 dversepoets “meeting-the-bar-critique-and-craft”

The challenge was to write a poem that participants can critique and fix.

So here is my post. I apologize to anyone who is looking for the types of poems you are used to seeing here. This is exactly the kind of thing I never wanted to post online, and also, I no longer write this kind of poetry. I wrote this in 2001 and never bothered to fix it up. So please, have at it. How do I fix this?  I can only learn from what you have to say.

Also posted on:

Jenny Matlock

Thursday Letter – N

Photo Credit: cdn2.arkive.org

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About zongrik

For those of you who do not know the handle "zongrik," that would be Bat-Ami Gordin. Most people call me "Tammy." Bat-Ami means "daughter of my nation" in Hebrew. It's a heavy name to carry around. I answer to either name. I also answer to "mama." Some Basic Things about me: Animal lover, mom, poet/writer, dramatic soprano, photographer, teacher/tutor, CERT/Technician and, oh yeah, aerospace engineer. I consider myself "The Astro-Poet." To learn more about the origins of the word "zongrik" see whats-a-zongrik?

Posted on August 4, 2011, in Alphabe-Thursday, D’verse Poets Pub, Poetry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. nice…i would cut the second line in half and make it two…i would also give this some room to breath by breaking out a few stanzas…this will add affect as well…

    the good i wish to carry is simple your smile….needs some punctuation…

    i think you have something to work with here….enjoyed it…

  2. Interesting and does seem to pull in the reader. A couple of possible typos: “The good I wish to carry is [simple] your smile” (should this be “simply”). “Pass [though] you” I assume should be “through”.

    Thanks

  3. Debbie Dawnslight

    Hi Tammy 😉 (I am Debbie in English, Shachar in Hebrew… i.e. Debbie Dawnslight)

    I have to say I was really drawn into your poem. I feel it tingling on my arms.
    I have to say I think it’s beautiful and enjoyed it.
    Thank you for sharing.

  4. This piece is a real slow burn, building beautifully and quite unexpectedly to quite a crescendo at the end. My first thoughts here are that the capitals at the beginning of every line are impeding the flow, some punctuation is needed to guide your reader and also you need a couple of stanza breaks to give the peice room to breathe. Very little in the way of redundant phrasing here, a few words/phrases bordering on cliche but easily fixed. Some suggestions below.

    Numb inducing expectations
    [A]ccumulate like broken glass[line break] on a marble tile floor. [a]
    [The] cut nerves of your skin [cut]
    [S]elf-repair[;] [like] lines of ants [s] [cut]
    [F]ollowing in a unnatural path.[f] [stanza break]
    I shrink to their level [and] [replace with a comma]
    [W]ork in the mulch, in the compost [w]
    My sad eyes drop as you fill my [heart] [core]
    [W]ith little shots of pain. [w]
    I carry ten times more than you need[;]
    [M]y caravan [carries] more than you can imagine. [carry/carries – alternative holds]
    The good I wish to carry is simply your smile[.] [stanza break]
    Soak up my gratitude
    [T]he way cotton fills with the seat [t] [not sure what you mean by fills with the seat?] [.]
    Cling to me[;] [like] a desert rag [cut]
    [Y]et hold me like satin. [satin can be sconsidered cliche but I think you get away with it ehre as it’s juxtaposed with the desert rag which I love]
    Be next to me and let my tones
    [P]ass through you [p][.]
    Let my moans and screams be lullabies [line break]as I send them
    Into the rafters, boom the studs, [again not sue what boom the studs means but I really like the phrase] [,]
    [S]hake the floor and make my bed dance.[s]

    Numb inducing expectations
    accumulate like broken glass
    on a marble tile floor.
    Cut nerves of your skin
    self-repair; lines of ants
    following in a unnatural path.

    I shrink to their level and
    work in the mulch, in the compost.
    My sad eyes drop as you fill my core
    with little shots of pain.
    I carry ten times more than you need,
    my caravan holds more than you can imagine.
    The good I wish to carry is simply your smile.

    Soak up my gratitude
    the way cotton fills with the seat.
    Cling to me; la desert rag,
    yet hold me like satin.
    Be next to me and let my tones
    pass through you.
    Let my moans and screams be lullabies
    as I send them into the rafters, boom the studs,
    shake the floor and make my bed dance.

    Just suggestions for you to mull over as always.

  5. I notice you already have some epic and very useful feedback.

    I really feeel your style and intentions urging here. Driving the concept.
    For me this is a poem that crawls and marches; you have injected the insect into the piece.
    It made me itch and scratch – for most people this might be a bad thing but for me it is a bonus.

    This poem contains that strain of other – the third element – the hidden touch which promotes it from being a good poem to something the reader can experience.

    Loved it.

    Sei un dono

  6. For me, this is stunning and have no suggestions other than those that Julia offered. I was surprised the you almost “apologized” for it. The whole premise: I carry ten times more than you need…nice.

  7. Aw, this was a seriously terrific post. In theory Id like to write like this also – taking time and real effort to make a superior write-up; but what can I say… I procrastinate a lot and in no way appear to get something done.

  8. Your writing is quite intense. I am glad I stopped here today. Always happy to share with my fellow Alphabe Thursday friends. I use to write a lot and loved it! I really need to take it up again. Than you for the wonderful input here.

  9. I loved the first 3 verses, but the last didn’t seem to flow in the same way…maybe because it turned away from yourself as the focal point…

  10. If I could write poetry like this (at any time) I wouldn’t have a single apology.

    Incredibly word crafting here…poignant and powerful imagery.

    Wow.

    Wow.

    A+

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